Alan K. Henderson's Weblog

(Roiters) Baltimore Gun Club v. Stroud has landed on this year's United States Supreme Court docket.

In June last year, members of the Baltimore Gun Club approached freelance party planner Celine Stroud to organize a party planned in honor of the upcoming fifth anniversary of the Supreme Court ruling in District of Columbia v. Heller, the landmark case that struck down several Federal firearms laws and held that the Second Amendment protects the individual's right to possess a firearm. Stroud refused, stating that she could not in good conscience participate in a festivity celebrating an event she rigorously opposed.

The club hired a different party planner, and days after the event filed a discrimination suit against Stroud. The Maryland Commission on Civil Rights ruled that Stroud had violated state anti-discrimination law and ordered Stroud to pay several thousand in attorneys’ fees to the plaintiffs. The Maryland Supreme Court upheld the decision, and Stroud successfully appealed the U. S. Supreme Court, which will hear the case in early May.

Stroud claims that the ruling violates her First Amendment free speech rights. "Party planners aren't like the pizza delivery guy who just drops off food and goes away. We work with the client to put the event together, to create the activities and entertainment and atmosphere the client wants. We - along with cake bakers, entertainers, photographers, and the like - are essentially paid to be part of the celebration. It is unconscionable for the government to determine what its citizens must celebrate."

Her legal team cites Wooley v. Maynard as the key to her defense. The 1977 decision ruled that a state cannot compel motorists against their will to display a state motto (in this case, New Hampshire's "Live Free or Die") on their motor vehicle license plates. An amicus filed regarding a similar case, also also citing Wooley, stating that "speech compulsions are generally as unconstitutional as speech restrictions," and that such a compulsion "invades the sphere of intellect and spirit which it is the purpose of the First Amendment to our Constitution to reserve from all official control...Creating expression...requires sympathy with the intellectual or emotional message that the expression conveys, or at least absence of disagreement with such a message."

Stroud complains about media misreporting of the case. "The talking heads keep saying I'm discriminating against gun rights supporters. I'm not. I've planned parties for some of the club members in the past. I am discriminating against a certain type of event."

Musician Ted Nugent quipped to one reporter that if she loses her case, Piers Morgan should buy out her business. "Second Amendment patriots are boycotting him, so that way she doesn't have to do any more RKBA parties."

Labels: Law, Politics, Roiters, Satire

(Roiters) He makes a list, checks it twice. Five billion names - the entire world population, minus children under the age of three, and observers of Festivus. And now it's on the Internet for all to see.

From London's Wandsworth prison, Julian Assange stated that the list was acquired just prior to his arrest. He refused to disclose his source, but Santa Claus identified the culprit - an elf named Lenny, who expressed dissatisfaction with the overtime rules and the health plan.

After passing the data to WikiLeaks, Lenny attempted to flee the North Pole by drifting away in an ice floe, but he was discovered by a film crew scouting locations for CBS's upcoming Arctic Survivor.

Santa placed Lenny under cottage arrest, relieving the disgruntled elf of all duties and reducing his eggnog and gingerbread rations.

North Pole computers have also been hit by a Stuxnet-like virus, but the cyber-attack was defeated. Santa won't say anything about his data security measures. MIT computer science professor Morton Case speculates that Santa outsources to computer-savvy juveniles on the "nice" list. "I bet a few teenage computer geeks are getting extra gift certificates to Fry's and Best Buy in their stocking this year."

Parents and those with relationship problems complain about one lacking feature in the "naughty" list: the reason for the individual's inclusion. "I discovered that my little Johnny is on the 'naughty' list," says Laura McDermott of Rochester, New York, "but the list doesn't say why, and I can't get Johnny to talk. I'm going to have to shell out for one of those Home Enhanced Interrogation kits from Sharper Image."

Many school officials around the country are proposing the use of Santa's list to identify students with high-risk discipline issues. Shermer, Illinois school board member Philip Brubeck's rationale is typical: "Kids don't act up in the home or the neighborhood and check their attitude at the door when they go to school." The American Civil Liberties Union and several other civil rights groups have already threatened lawsuits.

The Internet has already birthed three humor websites where viewers can make gift suggestions outside the legendary lump of coal for those on the "naughty" list. "I've got to hand it to them, those sites are funny," said Santa in a phone interview. "By the way, nobody gets a lump of coal anymore, except for naughty environmentalist - and Al Gore gets two. And to all of you who want me to give Michael Mann a hockey stick...been doing that for years."

Some express puzzlement that Muslim names are included on the naughty-and-nice list. Harvard theologian James Kopf explains. "Except for Festivus participants, communities that do not celebrate Christmas do not turn away Santa - they simply devise some other celebration to revolve around his arrival. Pakistanis don't need to do much inventing - they already have a big holiday on December 25. Hindus and various other faiths observe the Winter Solstice. When in doubt, the Christmas-averse pick some celebrity's birthday for an excuse to party and open presents. I know a few policy wonks who drink a toast to Karl Rove."

No individual name on the "naughty" list has attracted much attention, save one: Osama bin Laden. This revelation that the al-Qaeda mastermind is still alive has prompted many to petition Santa's assistance in either apprehending bin Laden or lobbing a few grenades down his chimney - or at least disclose his whereabouts. "Sure, bin Laden deserves to be taken out of circulation, but I have to remain neutral when it comes to wars and law enforcement actions. No exceptions. I'm Santa Claus, not the A-Team."

United States Attorney General Eric Holder expressed concerns that some of those outed through the publication of the "naughty" list might seek some sort of retribution, carefully avoiding mention of his own presence on that list. The US Postal Service has already intercepted 50,000 death threats, a third of them written in crayon.

Santa shows no worry over the threats. "Children have been trying to catch a glimpse of me for centuries. If nobody can even get in the same room with me, nobody can hurt me. I'm the one who taught that trick to Chuck Norris."

"What worries me is that some nutcase will take it out on a department store Santa, or on whoever was involved with the reason he or she made the 'naughty' list. Malls are stepping up their security, and Chuck is out there. We'll work together to make this Christmas as safe as possible."

Santa added one final comment: "Oh, and anyone in mall security who so much as puts on a pair of blue latex gloves is going on next year's 'naughty' list faster than Julian Assange."

Labels: Humor, Roiters

(Roiters) First it was Dan Rather, now it's one of America's top bloggers. Andrew Sullivan received his pink slip from the White House today for his chronic dissent with the Bush administration.

Karl Rove explained the decision in a press conference this morning. "We didn't expect him to toe the line on the gay marriage issue, and every conservative blogger has been putting us down for spending money like a bunch of drunken teenagers on Spring Break in Cancun with the parents' credit cards. But Sullivan's posts on the war and the torture allegations were over the top. He had to go for the sake of national security."

Rove was asked if similar firings would be handed to bloggers such as Markos Zuniga (Daily Kos) and Atrios (Eschaton), whose criticism of the administration is even fiercer than Sullivan's. "We don't worry about them. They're not real journalists. They're just a bunch of geeky losers in their basements cranking out crap on a computer in their pajamas. Their blogging jobs are safe."

The administration will auction off andrewsullivan.com and use the proceeds to buy some Humvee armor.

Sullivan was in the hammock and unavailable for comment.

Labels: Humor, Roiters

(Roiters) The Internet has recently been flooded with emails urging Americans to pay for everything they purchase in dimes on January 20, the day of President Bush's inauguration.

The yet-unknown originator of the email states the intent to protest the war in Iraq and the expense of the inauguration, which "could be better spent sending Hollywood celebrities to Banda Aceh to inspect the tsunami damage and raise awareness."

"We don't want to shut down the economy like some people," the email continues. "Because we know it won't work - people will only wait an extra day to do their shopping, and in the long run nobody will notice. But store clerks will remember having to count hundreds of dollars worth of dimes when people come in to buy clothing and appliances. They'll blame White House policy for it, and write nasty letters demanding that the administration spend its money more wisely so they don't have to go through that hassle again."

Some later versions of the emails name Bill Moyers as a supporter of the protest. "I've been too busy closing on a townhouse in Alexandria to mess with such nonsense," said the veteran journalist. He did not say how he would be paying for the townhouse.

Labels: Humor, Roiters

(Roiters) Yesterday, armed forces from Mars took advantage of the close proximity of our two worlds and staged an attempted invasion of Earth.

The attack began in England and in New Jersey and spread to other parts of the globe. The occupants of several cylinders landing in southern California destroyed several upscale neighborhoods after obtaining drivers licenses and registering to vote. Palestinian youths threw rocks at a craft that landed in Haifa. Alien forces in Zurich confiscated assets belonging to 138 current and former heads of state from around the world. Martians landed in Zimbabwe and seized farmland and the presidential palace.

The Martians' chief weapon is commonly described as a "heat ray." Citizens took various measures to flee the menace. Hundreds dived into homemade shelters built during the height of the Cold War and in anticipation of the feared Y2K apocalypse. One space industry expert covered his home with "leftover" Space Shuttle tiles. A crowd in Alabama sought refuge behind the Ten Commandments monument to escape a towering spider-like machine armed with the heat ray. "We kept hearing about how many tons it weighed," said one local. "We thought it was real big, but the dang thing ain't much bigger'n a washing machine." The crowd was spared when someone yelled "Let's roll" as several SUVs rammed one of the legs of the machine and brought it crashing down.

The invasion was thwarted almost as quickly as it started by an unexpected source - genetically modified food. GMO does not exist on Mars. Directly these invaders arrived, directly they drank and fed; they were irrevocably doomed thanks to modern horticulture.

In the aftermath, George Bush and Tony Blair are leading an effort to persuade other nations to join a coalition to join the War on Interplanetary Terror. Officials from Germany, France, and Belgium are urging restraint. The Council of Ares-Earth Relations (CAER) insists that the attacks were the product of an independent terrorist organizations with no ties to the Martian government. Hans Blix supports this opinion, recalling that United Nations' weapons inspections satellites (UNWIS) spotted no heat ray facilities on Mars. One Martian defector, who survived because he packed his own lunch, claims that UNWIS would have spotted the illegal labs if they had been trained on Phobos.

Other protests have emerged. Several State Department officials profess that our primary task should be to seek to understand why the Martians hate us. Some posit that they are simply reacting to American imperialism that threatens Lunar independence. The Mars Liberation Front justifies the invasion, claiming that "Earthlings" brought ecological devastation to the planet by littering its surface. Several attorneys are organizing a class action suit, demanding that GMO researchers face an international tribunal on charges of genocide. Many campuses are calling for the banning of H. G. Wells' classic War of the Worlds and other Terrocentric works.

Noam Chomsky warned against escalating tensions: "How the West chooses to react is a matter of supreme importance. If the rich and powerful choose to keep to their traditions of hundreds of years and resort to extreme violence, they will contribute to the escalation of a cycle of violence, in a familiar dynamic, with long-term consequences that could be awesome."

Labels: Humor, Roiters

(Roiters) Annika Hansen, formerly Seven of Nine, Tertiary Adjunct of Unimatrix Zero-One, has accepted a sponsor exemption to play at this year's Bank of America Colonial Tournament in Fort Worth, Texas, Earth.

Objections have been raised by several golfers, including Khan Noonian Singh, the former Eugenics Wars-era world leader and winner of this year's Utopia Planetia Invitational.

"A woman, especially one going through Borg collective withdrawal, has no place on the men's tour." Singh said. "It's like getting a Ferengi team in the NBA. They don't have the lobes to compete with even the Los Angeles Clippers."

When asked about Singh's remarks, Annika replied, "Resistance is futile."

One reporter asked Singh to offer a prediction on her chances to make the cut. "She has Borg strength, but have you seen her putting game? It's very difficult to concentrate with all those millions of voices in her head calling her back to the collective."

Prior to joining the PGA tour, Singh had survived the Genesis Planet incident by using his superior intellect to create a temporal rift into this century. He was pardoned after making some daring assaults against the Dominion. Disagreement still exists over whether he was actually trying to help the Federation or simply looking to conquer some interstellar realm that's never heard of him.

"I no longer have need for empire. I get all the satisfaction I need from my golf game and from the knowledge that I outlived James Kirk."

Labels: Humor, Roiters

(Roiters) Shortly after sunrise this morning, a squad from the 1^st Marine Expeditionary Force apprehended Geraldo Rivera, who had been reported missing since April 1 after being expelled as an "embedded journalist" by the 101^st Airborne Division. He was found at a bombed-out warehouse near the Rasheed Airfield with eight American college students who had traveled to Iraq to serve as "human shields" for the reporter. The students surrounded Rivera and refused to move until they were offered pizza. "Free food always works on college kids," said Master Sergeant R. T. Wyler. All were taken to one of the occupied palaces for questioning and more pizza.

How the students and Rivera managed to communicate with each other to arrange their meeting in Iraq has yet to be determined. Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge will neither confirm nor deny the rumor that his department is investigating the use of weblog comments sections for this task. When asked about the claim at the morning press briefing, Donald Rumsfeld replied, "Frankly, if I want to establish a top-secret communication channel, I'd want something more reliable than YACCS or Haloscan. Then again, I'm an intelligence expert and Geraldo Rivera isn't."

Zogby polled a sample of 1,047 people who post comments on blogs and asked if they believed comments sections were used for the transmission of coded messages. 17% said "Yes," 64% said "No," 24% said "I don't know," and 1% said "The camel walks at midnight."

Labels: Humor, Roiters

(Roiters) Elements of the 101^st Airborne Division are engaging in an extensive search for Geraldo Rivera, who was recently discharged from his "embedded reporter" duties when he disclosed information about American battle plans during a news broadcast.

He turned up missing at 02:00 GMT. Two hours later, MSNBC received a faxed message from Rivera. "I have everything I need to cover the war: a laptop, a cell phone, a digital camera, and five months worth of granola bars. I won't have any problems getting around or keeping out of the Army's sight. A dark-haired guy with a mustache blends in quite well in these parts."

Intelligence sources revealed that journalism students from several universities have left for Iraq to serve as human shields for Rivera, in the event that he should be sighted by Coalition forces. Apparently they were able to establish some means of communication with Rivera in order to arrange a rendezvous. Officials will not speculate on how this was accomplished, but Daily Mirror correspondent Peter Arnett reports that the Department of Homeland Security is looking into the possibility that coded messages were left in the comments sections of various weblogs.

Labels: Humor, Roiters

(Roiters) Under harsh criticism from many sources, Her Majesty Elizabeth I has announced that the Royal Navy will launch a pre-emptive strike against the Spanish Armada, citing Spain's repeated violations of the "no sail zone" off the coast of France and its weapons of mass destruction program.

Spanish attaché Salvador Alfonso Diego Duarte Alvarez de la Montoya denied that his country posed any threat to England. He stated that the Armada was merely "conducting maneuvers," and that Spain's stockpiles of gunpowder were designated strictly for civilian purposes. He also denied reports that Spain is using plague-infested rats to develop biological weapons.

The French ambassador protested that no link has ever been established between Armada commander Don Alonso de Guzman el Bueno, Duke of Medina Sidonia, and Alexander Farnese, the Duke of Parma. The latter, according to several "enemy combatants" detained at the military prison on the Isle of Man, has been plotting to launch an invasion force from Calais in the Spanish Netherlands. Intelligence sources confirm the accusations. Montoya insists that there is no connection between the dukes.

Several nations, including France, have sent a signed ultimatum to Spain's King Philip II, demanding that he disarm his navy and submit to weapons inspectors. At the behest of France, language stipulating the threat of a unilateral strike by England was left out of the ultimatum.

The attack will be launched nevertheless. From an undisclosed location, Lord Chancellor Sir Christopher Hatton issued a statement explaining Her Majesty's decision. "The risks of inaction are far greater than the risk of action. Some concede that Philip is evil, power hungry and a menace, but that until he crosses the threshold of actually possessing biological weapons or setting foot on English soil, we should rule out any preemptive action. That logic seems to me to be deeply flawed."

Several university professors question the queen's motives. One academic labeled the initiative as a "war for coal." Another accused the queen of "manufacturing another enemy 'to have an identity.'" Yet another insists that she is simply seeking to spread English hegemony. A co-founder of the Opposition to Jewish Return Coalition, which supports the 1492 ouster of Jews from Spain, wrote that "if Philip is a tyrant, Elizabeth created him," and concluded that a war would be a diversion to provide cover for Jewish atrocities in the Low Countries.

Even the Archbishop of Canterbury has aired objections. While recognizing that the Spanish regime is "brutal and violent," he claims that pre-emptive action against Philip could "undermine the society of states." He continued, saying that "Her Majesty risks the lives of hundreds of thousands in a region that could rapidly and uncontrollably spiral down into chaos. We also jeopardize any authority we might have to appeal for restraint in other situations on the basis of international law."

Labels: Humor, Roiters

(Roiters) The New Jersey GOP announced yesterday that Bruce Willis will replace Doug Forrester in the race for Senate.

This comes only days after Bruce Springsteen took the mantle for the Democrats. The previous Democrat candidate, Frank Lautenberg, resigned after only four hours of his candidacy, citing even worse poll numbers than Robert Torricelli, whose campaign fell apart when it was disclosed that he had received thousands of dollars worth of Martha Stewart linens from political contributors.

Springsteen enjoyed a 17-point lead immediately after entering the race. Forrester, unable to close the gap after three days, decided to drop out from the race and from politics altogether. "It's a death trap, it's a suicide rap, I've gotta get out while I'm young." He offered no answers to questions about his future plans, only that he would be spending more time with his wife and his three children. "Someday, I don't know when, we're gonna get to that place where we really want to go, and we'll walk in the sun."

After three days Willis has been able to close Springsteen's lead to six points. The actor is confident that he will pull ahead. "I'm going the whole nine yards. This campaign is unbreakable." Insiders are worried, however. One GOP strategist is quoted as saying, "An action film star doesn't stand a chance against a guy who sings about flashy cars and Vietnam vets who can't find jobs."

If Bruce Willis' candidacy folds, the Republican Party will face a tough road finding a candidate who can defeat "The Boss" this November. Some have suggested recruiting Trenton-born retired general Norman Schwarzkopf. Others want Jack Nicholson to enter the race. "He's not exactly a staunch conservative," says one analyst, "but how many GOP senators north of the Mason-Dixon line fit that description anyway?"

A campus organization at Rutgers University has started a petition to put Dave Thomas on the ballot, heralding the late Wendy's hamburger restaurant founder as "a man who demonstrated that you can be pro-business and pro-humanity at the same time." When asked about the legality of the deceased running for office, a spokesman responded, "They're already doing it in Hawaii.

Update: Virginia Postrel quotes the latest poll results: Springsteen-Q, Willis-12. Or is that vice-versa?

Labels: Humor, Roiters