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Saturday, December 31, 2011

 
Predictions For 2012

The Mayan Doomsday Prophecy will get a lot of serious attention when Cthulhu places second in the Iowa Caucuses.

Ghost Hunters will claim to have footage of the ghost of Christopher Hitchens tormenting Kim Jong-Il at the North Korean leader's deathbed.

Turned down by the IMF, the Greek government will seek a bailout loan from the Kardashians.

Rumors of a brokered convention will arise when the RNC announces that its keynote speaker will be Howie Mandel.

An unknown party will hack into Barack Obama's teleprompter. Officials will discover the breach when the President utters the phrase "I can haz stimulus" during a Rose Garden speech.

J. J. Abrams will threaten to produce Lost: The Next Generation if Congress doesn't balance the budget.

At the Democratic National Convention, Barack Obama will conclude his nomination acceptance speech with the words "Klaatu barada nikto," spurring new questions about teleprompter security and Obama's birth certificate.

Occupy Wall Street protesters will storm the Republican convention, only to recoil in horror as delegates approach them with soap-on-a-rope and garden hoses.

Turned down by the Kardashians, the Greek government will seek a bailout loan from Walmart.

As Congress becomes deadlocked over the budget, J. J. Abrams will call the House Speaker and say "I just signed Charlie Sheen."

The next President of the United States will be...uh, hold on, some Greek official just sent me an email about helping him with a cash transfer.

On Thanksgiving, an unknown party will hack Cowboy Stadium's "Jerrytron" to show the film Titanic, with high-quality CGI effects replacing the face of the ill-fated liner's captain with that of Cowboys owner Jerry Jones. The entire population of the Dallas/Fort Worth Metroplex will be questioned as suspects.

The Doomsday Prophecy won't come to pass, but J. J. Abrams will be doing lunch with Justin Bieber, Congress will unanimously pass a bill granting its members an antidepressant allowance, and Greece will ask Jim Cramer for some stock tips.

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