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Thursday, December 31, 2009

Predictions For 2010

Andrew Breitbart will release another ACORN video. Hannah Giles and James O'Keefe tell workers at the ACORN office in Baltimore that they are CRU scientists seeking to purchase a small office building under assumed names, where they plan to set up a document storage facility.

The X Prize Foundation will announce a prize for makeshift ballooncraft. It will pay $2 million to the first person to build a lighter-than-air craft from common retail goods and safely fly the vehicle 1,500 miles, roughly half the distance across the lower 48 states.

A band of Somali pirates will relocate from the Indian Ocean to the Caribbean, in a plot to hijack the cruise ship Oasis of the Seas. In a case of bad timing, Chuck Norris and Steven Segal will be among the passengers when the strike occurs. Tiger Woods and his wife Elin Nordegren will also be on board; she will incapacitate one of the pirates with a sand wedge.

During the Daytona 500 trials, Michaele and Tareq Salahi will mysteriously emerge from Mark Martin's car.

Dan Brown of will release yet another Da Vinci Code sequel, in which symbologist Robert Langdon discovers clues in the CRU climate data that ultimately lead to the Bavarian Illuminati.

Rush Limbaugh will be invited to make a guest appearance on Lost. The offer will be withdrawn when an anonymous source alleges that the popular talk show host joked that the DHARMA Initiative is hiding Obama's birth certificate.

In a rare collaboration between MSNBC and Fox News, the two networks will host a debate between Glenn Beck and Keith Olbermann. British bookmakers will place 200-1 odds that during the exchange one or both men's foreheads will spontaneously spurt blood.

Controversy will rock the the University of East Anglia's Climate Research Unit once again, with the discovery that climate data got mixed in with the researchers' fantasy rugby notes.

Pharmaceutical companies will report strong second-quarter profits, owing to a surge in headache remedy sales during the final season of Lost.

An apparent victor in the race for the Makeshift Balloon X-Prize will be disqualified when the pilot is identified as Bernie Madoff. Chuck Norris and Steve Segal will personally escort him back to the federal prison in Butner, North Carolina.

SEIU members will threaten a Tea Party protester waving a "Don't Tread On Me (Or Kenny)" banner in Des Moines, Iowa, but will back off then they notice that the protester is using a sand wedge as a flagstaff.

Hackers will post on a Cyprus-based FTP server a file revealing that the entire cast and crew of Lost is invested in McNeil Laboratories, the maker of Tylenol. The SEC will launch an insider trading investigation. Sporting a bandaid on his forehead, Keith Olberman will remark, "Are you kidding me? Have you seen the previous seasons? Who DIDN'T see this coming? The Girl Scout troop down the street from me made three grand off Bristol-Myers Squibb."

Rush Limbaugh will be invited to join the X Prize Foundation. The offer will be withdrawn when an anonymous source alleges that the popular talk show host once said that the Hindenberg disaster "had its merits."

The Nobel Peace Prize committee will win the 2010 IgNobel Prize for Representative Democracy, for awarding Barack Hussein Obama the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize despite the fact that only two of the five committee members supported the decision.

Tareq Salahi will win a write-in candidacy in a nonexistent Congressional district.

During the Thanksgiving game at Cowboys Stadium, a punt will collide with the Jerrytron. The force of the kick will force a 33-pound mass of pigeon guano to fall, injuring one of the referees.

Sporting a bandaid on his forehead, Glenn Beck will arrive at the Capitol Building on Christmas Eve with a gigantic stocking filled with coal. Congressman Henry Waxman will react by issuing a promise to introduce a retrograde fossil fuels tax after the holiday recess.


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