Alan K. Henderson's Weblog

I recently sent to a couple of friends this early Paint Shop Pro creation, in which Godzilla pursues Pokemon characters. Jay Manifold emailed this reply:

Now do a "Cloverfield" version. I defy anyone to see that movie and not end up rooting for the monster to continue improving the gene pool by killing off the incredibly stupid human characters.

I got a different sort of inspiration: future Cloverfield sequels could have the monster kill off the utterly useless and unlikeable characters of other films - to borrow two words from Emma Lazarus, the wretched refuse of cinema.

My first victims would be the main cast (minus Olive) of the worst movie I have ever seen" Little Miss Sunshine. It was 101 minutes of inundating myself with people I cannot stand - the pathetic dad who wants to be Norman Vincent Peale but bears more resemblance to David Koresh, the son who is the epitome of angry teenage neurosis, the suicidal uncle who has some tidbits of wisdom but hasn't grasped for himself any hope in life, the uber-cranky heroin junkie grandpa, and the joyless mom who is completely powerless to improve the family situation. (I guess the audience is supposed to identify with the mom.)

The Cloverfield setup wouldn't be too difficult. One of the movie quirks is the family van, which cannot start without people getting out to push, and which cannot come to a complete stop without the engine dying, thus requiring the people to get out and push again. My cinematic euthanasia woudl go like this: the van slows down to drop off Olive at a convenience store (for a bathroom break or to buy the family drinks, or both), and while going around the block the monster shows up and eats the van.

Some other nominees:

• The incredibly annoying Borat. Just think of what it would do for US relations with Kazakhstan :-)
  
• The screaming wuss played by Kate Capshaw in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. One of the most worthless action film female sidekicks.
  
• Chris Tucker's characters from Fifth Element and the Rush Hour flicks. And not just because of his helium-intoxicated voice...
  
• On a Star Wars theme, I suspect that the popular choices for "cloverfielding" would include Jar Jar Binks, the Ewoks, and George Lucas himself. (I like the Ewoks myself. Sue me.)

I don't include characters that already got killed off, such as Baron Vladimir Harkonnen (Kenneth McMillan) in David Lynch's hideous rendition of Dune.

Labels: Humor, Movies