In its waning days, the Bush Administration will raise $370 billion by setting up a Henry Paulson
The Minnesota election board will find a cache of uncounted ballots in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's
porch. The race will eventually be decided by the BCS
In another voting scandal, the incoming administration will investigate irregularities in the Drudge poll between shirtless Obama and Putin
. Putin will counter that Obama's shouldn't have gotten even half of the votes he got, and will accuse Georgians
of stuffing the online ballot boxes.
Oil prices will remain relatively stable this year, but arugula
prices will skyrocket in the wake of increased demand.
As Roland Burris
attempts to report for his swearing-in, he will be physically blocked by a line of four Senators. Editorial cartoonists will apply this visual metaphor
Burris will back down, prompting Blagojevich to appoint someone the Senate wouldn't dare reject: Oprah Winfrey
. This act will win him the 2009 Profiles in Courage Award
Despite Oprah's presence, Congress will continue to earn approval ratings lower than Bernard Madoff's
Seeking to be miscast as a villain instead of a Nazi
, Tom Cruise will land a role as Sirhan Sirhan
in a Bobby Kennedy biopic.Dallas Cowboys
fans will ask for a bailout, so they can afford tickets to games at the costly new stadium
will test its first nuclear weapon.Joe the Plumber
will announce his plans to move to Arizona and challenge John McCain's Senate seat in his 2010 reelection bid. Sarah Palin will host several fundraisers on his behalf.