As the world faces a shortage of polonium-210 this year, would-be assassins of Russian dissidents
will resort to poisoning their victims with the lead paint
scraped off of Chinese-manufactured Sesame Street figurines.Lynne Spears'
parenting book will be published after all. The foreword will be written by Chris Crocker
In other publishing news, Rosie O'Donnell
will write a civil engineering textbook.
Allegations of widespread use of memory-enhancing drugs will rock the world of spelling bee competitions. George Mitchell
will lead the investigation.
Election 2008: Ron Paul
will attract criticism for accepting a campaign donation from Andrew "Don't Tase Me Bro" Meyer
. Internet spammers will circulate a rumor that Mitt Romney
is really a Jehovah's Witness; images of the candidate reading Watchtower tracts will be proven to be fakes. Christopher Dodd
will drop out of the Democratic race after the Iowa caucuses, and nobody will notice. A web server hosting both Chuck Norris
and Fred Thompson
fact sites will spontaneously explode. Barack Obama
will challenge Hillary Clinton
and John Edwards
to a game of Jeopardy!
; Edwards will win, and later test positive for memory-enhancing drugs, prompting his exit from the race. The Democratic and Republican presidential candidates will schedule three debates, which will lose out in the ratings to Hannah Montana