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Tuesday, January 01, 2008

 
Predictions For 2008

As the world faces a shortage of polonium-210 this year, would-be assassins of Russian dissidents will resort to poisoning their victims with the lead paint scraped off of Chinese-manufactured Sesame Street figurines.

Lynne Spears' parenting book will be published after all. The foreword will be written by Chris Crocker.

In other publishing news, Rosie O'Donnell will write a civil engineering textbook.

Allegations of widespread use of memory-enhancing drugs will rock the world of spelling bee competitions. George Mitchell will lead the investigation.

Election 2008: Ron Paul will attract criticism for accepting a campaign donation from Andrew "Don't Tase Me Bro" Meyer. Internet spammers will circulate a rumor that Mitt Romney is really a Jehovah's Witness; images of the candidate reading Watchtower tracts will be proven to be fakes. Christopher Dodd will drop out of the Democratic race after the Iowa caucuses, and nobody will notice. A web server hosting both Chuck Norris and Fred Thompson fact sites will spontaneously explode. Barack Obama will challenge Hillary Clinton and John Edwards to a game of Jeopardy!; Edwards will win, and later test positive for memory-enhancing drugs, prompting his exit from the race. The Democratic and Republican presidential candidates will schedule three debates, which will lose out in the ratings to Hannah Montana.

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